Your P2 profile

Let’s calculate
your compatibility.

Answer honestly. The algorithm is just a spreadsheet with unusually strong opinions.

First, the basics

First name

Age

City / metro

Gender

Looking for

Now, your churning prowess

What’s your current 5/24 status?

0–2: disciplined3–4: strategically available5+: love made me recklessI have a spreadsheet for that

When an annual fee posts, you…

Call retention immediatelyBuild a value spreadsheetPanic in the daily threadPay it and tell no one

How serious is your tracking spreadsheet?

One tasteful tabConditional formattingCustom scripts and alertsMy spreadsheet has a disaster recovery plan

A lounge has a 45-minute wait. What do you do?

Wait—the food is freeUse the restaurant creditGate lice it togetherReevaluate the relationship

What’s your forever keeper card—and why?No card numbers. We mean the product name, obviously.

Let’s talk about your… portfolio

How would you describe your total available credit?

Above averageIt’s not the size; it’s how you cycle itLarge enough to require two handsPlease stop asking—this feels like KYC

How long can you go without a new application?

Six months without difficultyNinety days, but I get restlessUntil an elevated offer appearsGardening is basically my cold shower

Your date asks how many cards you’re carrying. You say…

Just the essentialsEnough to satisfy both of usThe sock drawer refuses to testifyDo authorized-user cards count?

What are you bringing to this relationship?

A thick stack of premium metalHigh limits and low utilizationFlexible points and an open mindThe ability to meet minimum spend repeatedly

Your P2 says she wants a man with status. You…

Show her your Hyatt Globalist accountMention your lounge accessExplain how status matching worksCompletely misunderstand the question

Manufactured spending compatibility

Let’s find out whether you can handle serious volume.

You’ve been shut down by… (select all that apply)

ChaseAmerican ExpressBank of AmericaCitiBarclaysCapital OneWells FargoU.S. BankOtherMany others

Pick the most romantic manufactured-spending date.

Staples at openingThe grocery-store gift card aisleA scenic liquidation loopNice try, bank compliance

The cashier says “cash only” after you waited 20 minutes. You…

Smile, leave, and post the DPPolitely try another registerDeclare the location dead foreverAsk P2 to go back tomorrow

Your favorite liquidation method suddenly stops working. How do you perform under pressure?

Stay calm and try another avenueConsult the spreadsheetAsk the daily thread if it’s happening to anyone elseIt’s never happened before, I swear

Compatibility note: ChurnersOnly supports consensual spreadsheet use. It does not support making retail employees part of your hobby against their will.

Award travel under pressure

Two business-class seats just opened 330 days out. What happens next?

Book first, ask questions laterWake P2 immediatelyTransfer speculatively and prayWait for a better routing

How many positioning flights are acceptable for the perfect redemption?

Zero—I have boundariesOne, if the lounge is decentTwo plus an overnightHowever many the spreadsheet says

Choose your ideal points-funded romantic getaway.

Maldives overwater villaJapan in cherry-blossom seasonEuropean Christmas marketsAnywhere with lie-flat seats

Your partner wants to redeem at 1.2¢ per point. You say…

Points are meant to be usedLet me build a quick comparison tabWe can do better—give me 48 hoursThis relationship has run its course

Your elevator pitch

Why would you make an elite P2?

I’m 18 or older and understand this is a parody questionnaire. I will not submit card numbers, bank information, passwords, SSNs, or anything else that belongs in a password manager.

This is a parody. No actual matching will occur, and your answers are not transmitted or stored. Your credit score will survive.

Let’s calculateyour compatibility.

Let’s calculate
your compatibility.